How to kill a fly...

I always seem to have one lone fly in my kitchen, and he taunts me for hours on end. The story is always the same. First I spy the fly, usually trying to land on food that I'm preparing. I've read all those statistics about flies pooping every time they land. Yes, I'm sure they do because they get a lot of fiber from eating my fruit and veggies.

Anyway, I don't want them landing on my food so I always lean over and open the cabinet door under the kitchen sink, and reach in for the fly swatter. It never fails; as soon as I'm armed and ready to do battle the fly disappears every single time. I'm left standing there, swatter in hand, tense look across my brow, usually saying bad things under my breath, and feeling a bit like a girl at a school dance who has been ditched by her date for a prettier girl.

At this point I usually lay the swatter down in an easy to reach place, trying to fool the fly into thinking I've given up. This usually works but it takes a few minutes. You have to be patient. Eventually the little nasty winged germ carrier gets hungry and comes looking for my food again, but this time I'm ready. This must be what duck hunters feel like when they're waiting in the duck blind.

I slowly retrieve my swatter and standing far away from the fly so he won't see me, I raise the swatter into my best swatting position, and ever so slowly I begin to stalk the fly. I move in a stealth like manner across the room until I'm within striking distance, and remember, the swatter is already raised in the striking position. This is crucial because if he sees any movement he will skedaddle.

Once I've crept close enough I watch the fly as he rubs his two front feeler thingies together. *that's a technical term* When he has them off the ground and is rubbing them together, then and only then, with one swift stroke, I strike with the cunning, speed and force of a cobra.

Slam!

And that, ladies and gents, is how you kill a fly!